On my vision quest a couple of weeks ago, I learned about fasting from the familiar… and feasting on sun & nature.
On Quest, we fast not just from food, but from artificial light, technology, books, music, journals… anything that can take attention away from the rawest of raw face-offs with nature and self.
At one moment, on day 3 when my mind had been truly cracked open to the liminal expanses beyond thinking…
I was lying naked face down on a rock, legs ever so slightly a-kimbo, absorbing sun into my butt chakra…
My eye caught the label on the inside of my jacket… that white label that tells you what its made of and how to wash it.
My mind lunged for these words like a starving man stuffing a mango in his face.
Forbidden fruit… tasted so delicious. But why?
There was no nourishment in finding out my jacket must be washed at 30 degrees, and contains (ethically sourced) down feathers in a polyester shell..
…or to read that same info in Italian and Japanese.. but yet it felt so damn good to read that label.
The truth is that the moment of delight was a dopamine rush flooding through a brain deprived of phone, laptops, books, conversation….. an evolutionary response to perk me up to optimally receive useful info I guess…
But it was also a moment of pure relief… distraction is relief.
From the hardcore intensity of nothingness.
We distract ourselves in a million ways to avoid empty space.
We know that in that empty space there is way more “risk” of seeing the truth.
The truth terrifies us for a variety of reasons..
1. We are dying and have been the moment we were conceived… and we must die a million deaths in order to live our million dreams
2. We are both finite & infinite; nothingness and everythingness… and that is crushing, daunting and terrifying to (any ego-mind… yet thrilling to our souls).
3. To perceive the truth of what we are comes with a huge catch… No longer blissfully ignorantly that we are everything yet nothing… infinite Beings participating in a mystical ever flowing dance of life …we must let go, surrender, sacrifice what we have spent years building up and cultivating into something we have tricked ourselves into thinking makes life safe and secure and just dandy…..
…personhood and delusions and layers of made up identities and stories.
And we must accept that if we are not just that delusion of neurotic personhood packaged in a flesh space-suit….
…we are in fact something else… and what if we just cant get our heads around the possibility that we are something else… let alone conceive of the “something else” that we actually are!!! 🤣
Suddenly white clothes tags, shite reality TV or the 9 o’clock news are all really compelling things to feed the mind… 🤣
Until you get the cosmic joke, like I see many people get, who spend hours laughing like a maniac who’s just realised the prison doors have been open the whole time, and there is actually no prison… its all been made up by the mind.
So that white label tasted really good for an escapist moment… but then it was back to the realness and rawness of deprivation… being nothing and everything at the same time…
Spiralling into the abyss of Being.
The real work of spiritual practice
The real work of spiritual practice is not organic fruit, the odd meditation with blissful OMs and angelic harps and voices singing Hallelujah as you serenely transcend the pain and wounds of life in yoga pants.
We must be lost before we can find ourselves.
We must sleep in order to awaken.
We must deprive ourselves in order to comprehend the infinite blessings of life.
The real work involves gritty, muddy, dirty, gutsy deprivation and facing of darkness…. and a lot of messy purging of old shit, parasitic energies, lies, personas…
And a whole load of fear and unknown.
Before we get to the love there’s cleanup to be done… and who wants to clean up!
And thats probably why my mind feasted on that white label. 🤣 🙏🏾❤️
p.s Get in touch if you want help on the path or you want to Vision Quest